Financial Dominance

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If you share your finances with your partner, how much do you know about your finances? This may seem like a silly question, since you may know about the expenses of the household and how much you need to make, but how much access do you actually have to the shared finances?

Recognizing the Signs

Let’s consider the following:

  • When you ask about the finances, are you told not to worry about it? “It’s all under control.”
  • You might ask for money to buy groceries or other necessities, but your partner will take you to buy them rather than giving you actual money.
  • You could receive an allowance.
  • You don’t have to do anything with taxes because your partner takes care of them, and you don’t have access to the accountant.
  • You are not allowed to view the bank accounts or any financial documents.
  • There may be financial statements that do not have your name on them.
  • You may have been pressured into taking on debt.
  • If you challenge the control of the money, you are put down, blamed, or shamed for asking questions when they are trying to take care of you,  or the conversation turns to focus on your inadequacies.

If you can relate to any of these points, it’s time to consider what this may mean to you. 

How Financial Dominance Develops

Financial dominance is not something that is easily noticeable, especially if both partners work and earn similar incomes. It’s a slow process that requires patience. It’s a tactful, intricate manipulation. The perpetrator can begin by making you feel like they are taking care of you and watching out for your well-being. “I do this all for you.” It sounds like a wonderful gesture, particularly if finances aren’t your strongest suit. You may actually be happy to have someone else take care of them. But what’s really happening is that you are slowly being programmed to relinquish your financial power.

Eventually, you lose your voice as well, as your partner is making all the financial decisions for the household and because you don’t know the specifics about the finances, the shift in the dynamics of power becomes even stronger. You may feel this loss, and in turn, they may use it to further manipulate you, saying things like, “You are stupid and don’t know anything about finances.”

The intimidation can escalate to publicly humiliating you in front of friends or family. They may dismiss it as a joke if you challenge it. Afterward, you are judged as not knowing how to take jokes or being too serious.

Become Curious

Some things you can begin doing to see if this is truly the case are to become curious about your finances and ask questions. 

  • Ask for money to buy the groceries or necessities yourself.
  • Request an increase in your allowance – not for the money, but for the reaction you may receive.
  • Ask to see the financial statements or for access to online accounts.
  • Learn about manipulation techniques.

When You Question Control

When you begin to question, you become a target for gaslighting. This tactic is extremely useful, as it makes you question your own reality and makes you feel like you are going insane. Another strategy they might use is ghosting. You may get the silent treatment, which reinforces the gaslighting further, taking you deeper into a feeling of “going crazy.”

Recognizing the pushback from your partner is important, as it will provide you with proof that what’s happening is not right. This disempowerment and diminishment of character may make you feel alone, embarrassed, and ashamed. However, you can take your control back by educating yourself on money management and seeking guidance from a therapist to help you navigate these difficult feelings.

Statistics

According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV), financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases. Of those experiencing abuse, a Michigan State University study found that 52% of National Domestic Violence Hotline callers had been coerced into debt and 73% were staying longer in relationships due to financial concerns.

Recognize These Behaviors

If you identify with some of these patterns, take some time to reflect on how this may be affecting your partner. Maybe you grew up in a household that mimicked this kind of behavior, so it feels natural for you or even your duty to take care of your partner. You may be coming from a place of love, but may be unclear about the effects this has because you were raised this way. Some things to reflect on:

  • Am I making all the money decisions in the house?
  • How do I feel when my partner challenges me?
  • Am I being dismissive?
  • Am I restricting access to money and why?

If you notice these behaviors within yourself, it’s important to take action. This will not only help your partner but also the relationship as a whole, and you can truly take care of your partner.

Financial dominance creates an imbalance in the relationship, causing one partner to suffer and feel lost. This can be categorized as domestic violence even if the intentions are to protect. 

Taking Action

Steps you can take right now (whether you’re experiencing this or recognizing these behaviors in yourself):

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, please contact 988 for help. The calls are free, confidential, and they are open 24/7 to help you navigate difficult emotions. 

Mindful Reminder

Whether you are experiencing this behavior or recognizing it in yourself, the goal is to come to have a healthy relationship where both partners feel safe and understood. Take time to reflect and see each other’s perspective. If you both allow understanding in, you may find that both people want the best for each other, but the path is not clear. This is where education, support, and sometimes professional help can make the difference.

Disclaimer

This post is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute financial, mental health, or professional advice. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance specific to your situation.

Attend a Workshop

If you are interested in attending a live webinar on improving your relationship with money, please visit my events.

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